Words for me to remember.....

She threw all her Play-Do on the floor.  I said "I'm going to throw it all away now."  She said (word for word)...."that's a real bummer Mom."

She's obsessed with doing gymnastics and soccer.  Everyday it's a mission to find a playground with a bar and to go to a park to play "sock-ther".  "I hang on bar Mom, I do nastics."

Bubba says:
eah
eah
eah
eah
eah
eah
yah yah (Pickle)
ball
gog (dog)
dada
mama
and does a ton of pointing!

Just when you were worried about something so superficial......

I had a rude awakening.

I started my day off as normal, woke up to Pickle in my bed at 5am, I put her in bed with me and listened to her for the next hour talk about my eyelashes, eye brows and that she put her pull-up in the trash, how she dressed herself, how she no likes dresses and then she proceeded to say "mama pants, glasses" that means it's time to get up.  She handed me my pants (which always lie next to my bed) and my glasses.  For the first time in ages, Big D was still in bed.  I walked over to the bathroom and stood on the scale as I do every morning, noon and night, thought to myself just another *% pounds to go, looked in the mirror and thought to myself "I used to be pretty."

I have always struggled with a poor body image.  No matter what size I am whether it be a size 4 or 12 I ALWAYS think to myself "if I could loose __ more pounds."

So, back to my poor body image.......I had a real slap in the face today.  As I started off my morning as stated above.  Thoughts rambling though my head about what to eat for the day, when I'm going to workout and how many more pounds I have to loose.  I got this email from one of my very very close friends of 21 years.......

Good Morning  Franks.

Sorry to do this on email…

I haven’t been feeling so hot and I have undergone some tests and it turns out I have

Thyroid cancer.  Thyroid cancer of the cancers is prob the most treatable.  It isn’t very aggressive and it rarely spreads since it is detected early in most cases.  I will have surgery in the next 2-3 weeks to remove my thyroid completely which should do the trick… it is likely that I have some cancer in a few lymph nodes too.  But the follow up treatment is Iodine radiation  which should take care of that.  I have a follow up appointment next week – when they have the results of the full gamut of tests and can tell me precisely which type of thyroid cancer I have… evidently there are two common thyroid cancers and handful of more obscure ones.  Regardless, the thyroid will be removed.  I will have to take medication to supplement the hormones produced by the thyroid but other than that life should be normal.  That is all I know for now…   I am sure you’d like me to say the word thyroid at least one more time… so here it is…. Thyroid.

I like you and think you are neat.   I will keep you updated.

Love, love, love!

LP

Dear Pony, 

You have been on my mind for the past few weeks.  I actually haven't been able to stop thinking about you and I just thought this morning " I wonder if you are walking to work? then I looked at the clock and thought I would have missed you."  But I didn't try.....

If I were you.....I would also be sending emails vs having to deal with everybody's reaction on the phone.  I know the last thing you want is for people to feel bad, sad and sorry for you.  I also know you have a hard time seeing others sad.  But let me just say this.....my heart is aching.

I feel like the past 5 years we have been separated by distance, busy lives and everything else that has come in our way.  I know that friendships like ours should be able to handle all of the above and stay strong.  Regardless of the lack of seeing each other or talking to each other I still feel the same way about you and us.  I feel like the past 5 years I got caught up with the sadness of my dad, getting married, moving, having kids and blah blah blah.  I just got caught up in "MY life."  I felt like we both missed out on the day to day happenings in each others lives.  I often felt like my life wasn't exciting enough and that you were too busy to bother about my the sadness I felt from my Dad.  But I never tried to reach out and call you more often, it was my own insecurities and unsureness.  You have a very special place in my heart!  We have come a long way, we have grown, our lives have changed, we have maybe become different people but I hope you know you are still my best friend.

As far as your diagnosis, I won't get in all the worries, unfairness or concerns.  Like you said, Thyroid cancer is the best cancer to have of all the cancers.  I'm here for you, I love you and I will keep you in my daily thoughts and prayers!

Maybe you could start a blog to keep all of us in the loop?  Or I could start one for you.

I love the shit out of you!

Frankie

Hi Frank,

Thanks for this!  I got your sweet voicemail too.

I have been so overwhelmed trying to deal and get ready for this.  Work has been insane…really insane so that adds so much to my plate when it comes to taking on this crappy diagnoses.  So, sorry for the delayed reply.

I know what you mean about the distance and different lives but I kind of feel like that is what happens when you grow up.

It was sad for me to hear that you actually had made a point to not call to talk about your life because you thought I was too busy or too exciting to understand how you were feeling especially with your dad.    I hope that wasn’t something that I had done.  After and during your dads illness I remember almost stalking you, I felt that I was one of the few who really did understand what he meant to you.  since then, I do feel that I have been the instigator in our friendship – when we talk it is because I reach out in one way or another.   Until now,  I have never let the thought cross my mind that perhaps our limited phone conversations/visits were for any other reason than ….busy lives.  Every time we do see each other it is easy and not forced so  I suppose, for me, I think the trick is I try hard to be mindful of the fact that I have absolutely NO CLUE what it is like to be a full time mom, wife etc.  and I just don’t get my feelings hurt when friendships like ours ebb and flow as they do.  With that, I hope that you can see that I live in a city where I am virtually never alone… there is no commute to/from work in car and it really is hard to keep in touch on the phone….. but I do the best I can.  I guess my point, and I took the long way around is……  I feel the same about you and our friendship and hope that you have now eliminated the nonsense thought that I am too busy to care about your life or sadness..

With regards to the road ahead for me.   You really wouldn’t believe the range of emotions that you go through.  Obviously there is the standard smack in the face of having to face your mortality.  It’s a weird feeling that I thought I knew- but really until I was faced with it… I had no idea.

I have lots of fear for the actual process.  It’s terrifying to know that I will have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life, horrifying to know that the radiation could have an impact on my fertility when I finally met a boy that I’d want to fertilize me…  J  it’s also scary when they give you a prognosis that 90% of patients live at least 10-15 years.  As if 10-15 years is a good thing….  Oh and did I mention that your thyroid regulates your metabolism….that could be a good thing or a bad thing… On the flip side…. It is a bit overwhelming to see the outpouring of love and support that I have.  I have only lived here 5 years and I feel I have built a true FAMILY within my circle of friends.  David is an absolute angel and his family is beyond words….they treat me like one of their own in every way.  

The nut of the story is… I know I will get through this and prob with a much better perspective on life.  It gives me great peace of mind to know that I will be in your thoughts and prayers.  Maybe this fall you can come out here and we can celebrate life.

Give those sweet babies a kiss from me and I will keep you posted.

xxLP

The last few days have been hard on me for a thousand of different reasons.  My heart is aching for LP, I can't imagine what is going through her head.  It seems like a bad dream and I can't even begin to grasp what she is feeling.  I'm hopeful, sad, scared, strong and confused for her.  It doesn't seem possible.  I don't know how she is able to comprehend what is happening.  I pray for her and  I know she has the strength and courage to make it through!

I think it's time to STOP!  STOP with the poor body image, STOP with the negative thoughts about the way I look, and STOP being so hard on myself.  I'm healthy, I eat healthy, I exercise, I'm physically fit, and most importantly I'm blessed!  Regardless of what size I am, I need to stop and count my blessings.  There are a lot of people out there that are faced with enormous challenges, difficult paths ahead of them, and unfortunate diagnosis.  We all just need to STOP and count our blessings.

Nobody can start a new beginning, but anyone can start today to make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

Pickle said....

"Mom, I want to play sock-ther (soccer)."

I once had advice given to me by Elle, she said..."I don't mention sports until they come to me requesting a sport."  or something like that.  I know they cost a small fortune these days.  So, I have never mentioned any sport to Pickle.  I figure our time will come, I just didn't think it would be at age 2????

Do they even have soccer for 2yr olds?

To answer your question.....

Rosie said...Just curious, why do you want to move? I know I know you said "don't ask" but you didn't specify what not to ask ;) I'm just curious because I'm always bugging William to move me to CS but he thinks we'll miss D town too much.

Frankie: Well, I never considered myself a big city girl until I moved to a small city. The plans aren't to come home anytime in the near future. However; my philosophy is to get your ducks lined up in a row. As previous posts, I was never planning on staying here. It was looked at as a stepping stone for D's career. If we don't own a house here and something comes open we will be ready.  This city CS is a great city. It's small, there isn't any traffic, people are friendly (sometimes too friendly), you can buy a lot bigger house for your money (the house I live in now would prob sell for over 5-600,000 there and is almost half the cost here especially since the market dropped), it does feel a touch safer, and it's family oriented. It's also great to be next to one of the highest peaks, and great outdoor surroundings. It's just not home. I liked living next to Red Rocks, I had trails right outside of my door, I love being near downtown (a real downtown), it's only 40min away from all the ski resorts and mountain towns, not that I'm a big sporting fan but I do enjoy on a whim heading downtown for a baseball game, and most importantly that is where our support group lives (close friends and family).
I have met a lot of great people here. I have a ton of "mom friends" and feel very fortunate to have met so many great people. I do believe I was brought here for a reason and I have learned tons about myself during the past 4 years. But like I said before, it's just not home

Something actually worth forwarding......

I wouldn't call myself an email forwarder.  I'm busy, I know your busy and often I find it hard to even check my email.  Then when my box is full of forwards, it goes like this.....delete....delete...delete.  Unless of course it comes from someone who doesn't forward very often.  Then I figure it's worth the read.  Most of the time forwarded emails fall into the category of "junk mail."  I don't think it's possible to go to hell because you didn't forward an email with the virgin mary to 10 of your friends.

So, this morning I get a forward from my sister all the way from switzerland.  I figure, she doesn't forward often it must be a good one.  And you better bet it was hilarious!!!!!!!!

It goes like this.....

GROWING UP WITHOUT CELL PHONES......

 just had a hilarious, tears-in-my-eyes, hour long conversation with a fellow mom.  We are beginning to feel like old farts.  It seems like every day, something I say dates me further.  From walkmans and 8-tracks to Eddie Rabbit . . . we covered it all, so I thought it was particularly hilarious when she sent this to me.   IF you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 30 Crowd

Dear Frankie,

Wow! Imagine my surprise when I clicked on Pickle's blog and got a lonnnnggggg addition.   I was in a TOTAL funk for a week because looking at the pictures made me miss you all soooo much!  I've got the pictures all engraved in my brain, all the good times we had.

Your blog says it all. You think that I'm the one who is expressive with writing but YOU have come a long way.  Your blog was tender, sweet and right to the point. After twenty years of Naree and Frankie, Urs has learned to step back and just let us be.  Sometimes I think that we must seem strange to the outside world too. We are inseparable and it's like we re-charge each other's batteries. We value each other's opinions, listen to each other's advices, and at times move as if we are one. I love the way we are but it hurts SO much when we separate.

Thanks for your insightfulness with my three girls.

Love Ya
Naree

See....it's not just me.  This was a touching email I received from big sis.

3rd times a charm......

It's official.  We decided to put our house back on the market.  I can't disclose all of the details so, please don't ask :-) but I will say, we have a few options that are very promising.

You know when your in the thick of something that isn't working out in your favor.  You constantly second guess what your doing.  When something doesn't work out as planned, you constantly feel like you made the wrong decision.  When you wake up, look around, and wonder how did I get here?  Finally, some questions are being answered.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  We tried and tried to sell our house in the dead of winter.  It was on the market for what seemed like forever with two kids.  I finally got fed up and pulled it off the market.  Now that I look back, I finally see that it didn't sell for a reason.  It wasn't supposed to sell at that point of time.  Now this time is different.  The last time we felt like we had to get out,  this time is different.  We don't have to sell but we would like to sell.  We have had a lot of wonderful changes with Donny's job (excluding his long hours) and this is the next step.  I feel like our energy has shifted and now we are selling for the right reasons.

We have done a few fabulous upgrades.  New bamboo floors on the first floor and a giant custom play-set area in our huge back yard.  Our garden area looks fabulous, thanks to Elle!  So, this is it.

Once again, it will be hard to say goodbye.  It will be bittersweet to move on.  But it's time for us to go! 

Double trouble....

They are so cute together.  Sugar and Spice...and you know which one is Spice!

Who took my precious little Peanut and replaced him with a little hellion?

Omg, seriously!!!!  My precious, handsome, big brown eyed, long lush dark lashes, a smile that could light up a room little Peanut has been stolen.  He has been replaced with a 15m old that isn't mine.  The boy who replaced him is ornery, stubborn, rough, hits, eats dirt, screams, does this whiney thing that sounds like eah eah eah over and over a million times a day, he spins around in a circle until he is so dizzy he falls over, when he falls over he starts kicking and screeching and then laughing hysterically, he closes my front door over and over, screams if he can't get outside in the backyard, he makes car noises with gold fish, but this little ornery boy still needs his mama.

Pickle do you want to watch Dora?

It goes like this.....

Pickle asks to watch "Da Da Da da Dora" and let me just say it's not just Dora.  You gotta sing the tune.

So, I turn it on she sits down with her B which she now calls "Beazer."  Her thumb and Beazer go hand in hand.  She starts sucking her thumb as she watching.

I tell her "Pickle, Dora is a big girl and she doesn't suck her thumb.  If you want to watch tv you need to take the thumb out of your mouth."

Pickle says "okay Mommy, I no suck thumb."  She takes her thumb out of her mouth and she holds her thumb with her other hand.

I watch her as she sits there enjoying Dora.  She watches the tv and then looks at her thumb.

Her thumb starts moving up toward her mouth, she grabs it and puts it back on her lap.

This happens a few times.  Thumb slowly moving up, she grabs it with her other hand.

A few more minutes pass and she says to me "mama, yeah yeah (Pickle)  no watch tv, mama turn it off peas, I suck thumb."

So, I turned it off.

Big Mama loving life with her grandkids.....but only someone little could be called big mama!

Had a blast...was in a funk...and now finally pulling out...

Every time my sister comes after she leaves I'm left in a bit of a funk.   It's always hard to see her go.  And now it's even harder because I have to deal with Pickle having "Nana" withdrawals as well.  Pickle was in heaven having the swiss gang and my Mom around for 2 weeks.  We were pretty much chopped liver and she could care less where Big D or I were.  She had the girls running to her every need.  I finally had to tell the girls "now don't let pickle boss you around" so, they finally learned to say no to her.  I was amazed that Pickle remembered the international arrival at the airport from being there 9 months ago.  She went right up to the gate and said Nana comes from there.  Seriously?  That girl amazes me!

Peanut was the most fond of Jenn (the oldest) and you can tell he is her favorite (even though she won't admit it).  The diva in Ali loved the diva in Pickle.  And Vanessa, well....let's just say she went back and forth between both Pickle and Peanut however; she likes that she is the youngest in her family and had a little adjustment period from temporarily loosing her position.  

The girls have grown yet they are still so young at heart.  Jennifer is 15, and in the 10th grade.  In Switzerland school is like a job.  It's serious and strict.  She will be starting her internship which is for her professional adult career, she will work 3 days a week and go to school 2 days a week.  It's a very serious time in her schooling.  Ali is 13 going on 18.  She is a lot like me so I really get her.  She is still determined as ever and extremely focused (not the part like me JK).  She's the kind of girl that knows what she wants and I guarantee she will get what she wants from life.  Vanessa is 10 and lives life as the "youngest" in the family.  She is still a little girl at heart trying to find her way through two teenage sisters.  She is the one that Naree and Urs have been the easiest on.  For example when Jenn was little she used to be able to watch 2 minutes of tv a day and then with Ali the time went to about 7 minutes and with Vanessa, well she can watch an entire program.  Anyway back to Vanessa, she still likes her cuddle time with who ever will cuddle with her.  She likes mommy to lay in bed with her at night and she still wants to play like a kid.  She's still just little Nessa, a cuddle bug, a bit sensitive and the one that gets bossed the most.      

Naree and I always pick right up from where we left off.  We jump right in and are inseparable.  It's kinda creepy weird when we are together.  Urs, her husband has seen us in the works for the past 20 years.  He knows that when I come around he takes the back burner and Big D is finally seeing he takes the same position.  Life around us comes to a halt.  Nobody around us really exists (except our kids), well sort of.  People know that when she is in town, forget hearing or seeing me.  We are just that close.  There is never enough time.  

My nephew Timmy came out for a couple days.  By the time we picked him up at the airport it was time to take him back.  Pickle loved him and called him "Tay."  We wish he could have stayed longer!

My Mom was here to enjoy 7 of her 9 grandkids.  And 3 of 4 kids.  We had her running around busy and cooking up a storm.  We got to spoil her on Mother's day and treated her to an amazing brunch and a i-Pod.  She was in heaven!  For the rest of her trip she walked around yelling because she wouldn't take out her earphones.  Bless her little heart.

The two weeks went fast as always.  It's always bitter sweet.  Sweet to have them all here and bitter when they leave.

The have knots prayer...

This was sent to me via email the other day.  Thought it was a great one!  Thought I would share....

he Knots Prayer

Dear God,
please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots,
the can nots and the do nots
that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,
may nots, and
might nots that find
a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,
would nots and
should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all, dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind
my heart and my life all of the am nots
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.

Amen.

Okay, better now....

Those of you that know me, know that I don't hold back.  My last post might have caught a few people off guard.  This is the way I look at it.  I say what most people think.  I know, I know the phrase "had to put my kids in a safe place".  Sounds a little unstable.  When I was in the middle of toddler hell, I replayed an Oprah episode where a Mom said, "if you are ever loosing your temper, put your kids in a safe place and walk away so you can calm down."  So, without an entire post of retracting what I said.......I won't try and justify myself.  I had a meltdown!

A response to my previous post....

I have a good friend that happens to live 3 houses down from me.  She's a blogger and I mean she's a BLOGGER!  www.bonkdown.blogspot.com She has been given the gift of writing.  She has words and she has a lot of words!  Her words are her form of therapy and her form of going out for a drink.  She has great well behaved kids and I seek her opinion often.  She was the first friend I had when I moved here.  When I walked into her house for the first time it was kinda like being in my own house excluding a lot of family pics on the walls (she hates pics of herself where I love pics of myself :-)).  We have a lot in common yet we are completely different people.  Anyway, she caught me in the middle of an emotional day.  She knocked on my door; I saw her and started crying.  Not common for anyone to see me cry.  Her visit helped me, it made me realize I'm not crazy.  It's okay for Crazy Frankie to come out now and again.  It's okay to admit I'm in the thick of toddler tantrum hell.  She says everyone SAHM goes through this and it's okay!  This is what she writes.....

I read my friend Frankie's post today.  http://lilytalk.blogspot.com/  It's called, "Okay, Let's Be Honest."

I'm not even sure I read the whole thing. I mostly skimmed the last part, but it moved me enough to call her, say "Don't move . . I'm coming down" and Mimi and I walked in her door only a few minutes later. Crazy bitch that she is, she tried to pick up her son and hide behind a trendy cute hat to avoid me. But I said, "Put down the baby." And I laid a full frontal "I'm not boob-phoebic" bear hug on her.

I'm not sure my visit helped anything . . . but I know this:

Being a stay at home (or work from home) mom is the very hardest job I have ever had.  And she's right.  It sometimes does make you feel tired, unsexy, ugly, fat, homely, sometimes underchallenged and pent-up.   Mmm-hmm.  Absolutely.   It's like the military, deployment, hazard duty -- but with no pay and no thanks.   It can be infuriating.  There's no sense of completion or done-ness because there is always a dishwasher to load (or unload), laundry to do, stuff to pick up, a meal to prepare, or an errand to run.  I know it's okay to miss work and crave a break -- only to get a tiny window of time alone, and think about nothing but your snot-nose, whiny, but ever so adorable offspring. 

We've all had a mommy meltdown.  Anyone who denies it is lying through their teeth.   The trick, I think, lies in surrendering to your role.  Not to your kids.  To your role.

Some stay at home or work from home momma do cope with things better and/or differently.   Frankie has a pretty strong social network of moms whose kids are all about the same age.  But even with that . . . the reality is that YOU are the only one who knows YOUR home.  You're the only one that butts heads with your toddler, picks up the pieces at the end of the day, picks the battles to fight & wishes like hell that you had a husband at home for a tiny sliver of relief.  I happen to identify with Frankie's spousal situation pretty intimately -- having a spousal unit in that same field, gone all the time and on-call every minute he was home.  Planning is impossible and can be summed up like this, "sure, plan it . . but have a back up plan."  I can remember so, so, so many nights when I sat in bed with 3 kids that never slept and rocked them and cried with them, because it was all I had left.  And I can remember thinking, "I really didn't want to be a single mom!!"  This season shall pass . . . . it's not over or easier . . just different!

Anyway, Frankie . . and any other momma out there who identifies with that post . . . . hang in there!  There's a light at the end of the tunnel.  You are taking part in the oldest, best and very most important profession in the WHOLE world.  The fabulous little citizens you'll turn out will someday dazzle you with their brillliance and bring tears of pride to your eyes.  It's only survival mode for a little while!

Ok let's be honest now.....

I may have hit a blogging wall but I have hit many other walls this past month.  I have broken down more times then I can count.  Yelling, screaming, crying and more crying.  And with tears flooding down my face I realize something.

I'm the happiest I have ever been yet I feel a level of emptiness.  It's hard to explain.  And I don't quite understand it yet.

If I look back at the past 5 years that might explain some of it.  My Dad was diagnosed with cancer,  got married 3 weeks later, he died 6 months later, I moved away from home, I got pregnant, had Pickle, got pregnant again, had a lot of financial stress, put our house on the market, had Peanut, more financial stress and now Big D has a new job.  That might not seem like a lot to some but for me, a person who doesn't like change, it's a lot!

As happy as I am that D's has been given a great opportunity.  I'm also sad because we aren't moving back home.  I always thought I would be here for under 5 years.  I have made some really great friends however; I often feel alone here.

I'm sure a lot of people are tired of my "I lost my Dad pity party" but it's been so hard for me.  Since my Dad's diagnosis of lung cancer I have never been the same person.  I know, I know, it happens and it really sucks and life goes on.  But I feel like a part of my heart is missing.  That's the only way I can explain it.  As much as my heart has grown from my two precious angles I still have a missing piece of my heart.

And this is the hardest thing to admit.  I'm in the middle of stay at home hell!  Don't get me wrong, I love love love love love love my kids.  My kids have brought so much happiness to our lives.  They are like a breath of fresh air.  They give me the opportunity to rediscover myself and to parent the way I wish I was parented.  Let me clarify, I do love staying at home with them.  But staying at home has been the most challenging thing in the world.  It's not what I ever imagined.  When Oprah says "stay at home Moms have the hardest job" she is right.  I'm not going to discredit working Mom's but I will say, there were a few times this last month I thought "I just want to go back to work to escape the toddler insanity".  Everyday I go head to head with Pickle.  She has the worst power struggles with me.  She is exactly like me which explains a lot.  When you stay at home, it's the same thing almost everyday within moderation.  I look forward to my 2hr time slot at the gym to just have a break.  Your job never ends, it's 24hrs a day.  And a lot has changed with Big D's new job.  He is gone a lot more and I'm left alone from sun up to sun down.  I feel like my brain is rotting away.  I feel like I can't communicate normally.  NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK!  That's not what I'm saying.  All I'm saying is that it's the biggest transition I have ever made.  I never realized work helped me identify myself.  Work made me feel smart!  Work made me feel productive!  Work made me feel confident!  Work made me feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day!  And work made me feel pretty!

Last week I had a true Mommy meltdown.  Big D had been gone from sun up to sun down for the entire week and I was at my wits end.  Pickle was having tantrum after tantrum and Peanut was all over the place causing havoc.  I had only heard about Mom's freaking out on Oprah.  I never thought it could exist in me.  I freaked out!  I thought to myself, put the kids in a safe place and you gotta regroup fast.  So, I put Pickle in her room and told her to stay there and play until Mommy comes back and I put Peanut in his crib.  I ran to my room and started sobbing, uncontrollably crying!  Then all of a sudden I hear Pickle yell "MAMA, OKAY NOW.  I BE NICE.  NO SAD MAMA."  And then through all the salty tears running down my face I realized I gotta get my shit together and together fast.  I took a giant deep breath, wiped away the tears and went and got my babies and held them as close to me as humanly possible.    

I know I'm in the thick of the hardest times as a stay at home mom (SAHM).  I have a one year old and a two year old going on 16!  I'm still in survival mode.  I'm still trying to figure out the in's and out's of being a SAHM.  I'm still figuring out what works, what doesn't.  I'm realizing everyday P&P change, develop and grow into little people.  As they grow and change, I realize, I must change what I'm doing.  What worked yesterday, doesn't work today.  It might not get easier for a while but I do have the ability to learn something about myself.  I have the control to make it better and make it memorable.  It's a time in my life and theirs that will never be repeated.  And now that I have gotten all that off of my chest.  I take a deep breath, and I will make a conscious effort to just let myself be in the moment.  Laundry, cleaning, errands, organizing will all be there tomorrow.  But tomorrow they will be a day older and one day I will wish I could have this time back.

20 Ways to find happiness in your life.....

This is something I came across.  Not all things applied to me however; a few hit home.  I don't want to wake up one day and think "I should have"  or "I could have."   Like I always say....today is a new day!

Happiness is something everyone wants to achieve. While on the surface people may seem to be looking for money, recognition, or other things, what they actually seek is happiness. Unfortunately, many people never reach the level of happiness they desire. 

20 ways to find happiness in your life.

But, before we start, we should agree on something: our happiness is our responsibility. Your happiness is your responsibility. Don’t blame outside condition or other people if you’re not happy. While things around you could change and go bad, it is you who decide how you will respond to them. You can decide to be happy.

With that in mind, here are 20 ways to find happiness in life:

1. Stop comparing yourself with others

Comparing yourself with others won’t do you any good. You will either feel proud when you are above, or feel jealous and frustrated when you are below. None of them brings true happiness. So stop comparing yourself with others and simply be your best.

2. Count your blessings

There are so many things we should be grateful for, but we often forget them. When you realize how blessed you are, you will certainly be happier.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.Frederick Keonig

You can start with some simple things we take for granted.

3. Find your inner voice

To find true happiness, you must first find your inner voice. Slow down and take some quiet time for soul searching. What will make your life meaningful? What is true happiness for you? By knowing what your heart says, it will be easier for you to align with it.

4. Reconnect with your childhood dreams

Your childhood dreams can give you clues about your true calling. So discover them and reconnect with them. Get them back into your life. Childhood dreams are important!

5. Help someone

Giving is an essential key to happiness. While we often think that we will be happier when we receive, the truth is we are happier when we give. This is also one of the most difficult things to apply.

6. Spend more quality time with your loved ones

Relationships give us happiness more than any material in the world. So spend more quality time with your loved ones. In such moments, be sure that you devote your attention to them. Divided attention (with your work, for example) will decrease the quality of the time.

7. Apply the five languages of love

Love is an important way to happiness, and the five languages of love is a helpful concept to help you apply love. By understanding yours and others’ languages of love, you will be able to build better relationships.

8. Appreciate nature

The beauty of the nature can give you peace. Go out and see how beautiful the nature is. Watch how the birds sing and the sun shines, and let you be happy once again.

9. Pray or meditate

This is one of the most effective ways to calm your mind and get inner happiness. When you feel overwhelmed, a session of praying or meditation could help you clear your mind.

10. Know yourself

You will be happier if you understand who you are. Taking personality tests or drawing a simple life map could help you recognize who you are.

11. Say thank you

Sometimes we are so accustomed to people around us that we forget to thank to them. So take a little time to do that.

12. Smile

Smiling is a very simple thing to do, and yet it has great effect. There mere act of smiling can brighten your otherwise dark day.

13. Listen more than you speak

You will feel happier not only by understanding yourself, but also by understanding the people around you. One simple way to do that is by listening more than you speak. Try to understand what the other person means before speaking out your thoughts.

14. Stop judging others

Judging others will give you bad feeling toward them and there’s nothing good about that. Instead, you should look at the positive side of them. Sometimes it’s easier to see the others’ weaknesses, but looking at the positive side will brighten their day and your day.

15. Focus on what you can control

Trying to change things beyond your control will only frustrate you. Recognize what you can and can’t control, and focus solely on the things you can control. For instance, you can’t change how people around you behave, but you can change yours. So focus on changing your own behavior instead of changing theirs.

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.Epictetus

16. Forgive yourself

Have you done mistakes in the past? We could be intimidated by our past mistakes that we can no longer live to our full potential. But you aren’t perfect, and neither is anyone else. So forgive yourself and release the burden.

17. Forgive others

Besides forgiving yourself, you should also forgive other people who did wrong to you. Not forgiving them will only hurt you. Again, you should release the burden so that you can find happiness.

To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.
Robert Muller

18. Accept yourself

You may have some personality traits that you don’t like. For instance, perhaps you are an introvert and you wish you are an extrovert. Or you wish you were born in a different background. This is one thing you can’t control (see #15), so just accept yourself as you are. You are unique, and that’s something you should be grateful for.

19. Know how to deal with problems

Problems will always come your way, so your happiness depends not on whether or not you have problem, but on how good you deal with them. Knowing how to stay calm and how to overcome failure will be helpful.

20. Be a promise keeper

You will find happiness if you stay true to your heart and one way to do that is by being a promise keeper. The more you keep your promise, the more you will be aligned with your conscience and the happier you will be.

http://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/03/19/finding-happiness-20-ways-to-achieve-happiness-in-life/

The wall I'm famous for....

I've hit another wall.  The blog wall.  Lately, I have felt like I'm spread thin.  I have been busy playing Mommy, Photographer, Entrepreneur (sounded good), Make-up Artist, Friend, Best Friend, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Godmother, Cousin, Niece, Daughter in Law, Sister In Law, and Wife.  Not sure I can add blogger to the list.

However; you can check out my latest photography sessions at www.gwinnerphotography.blogspot.com

Easter Coloring....

Since having kids, holidays have a new meaning.  It's so much fun to re-experience the holidays through their eyes.  It's given me a new perspective on families and togetherness.

Pickle being the particular one was very concerned about how her eggs were colored and organized.  Peanut was dying to get to the eggs.  When he finally got ahold of the colored eggs he went nuts.  He started throwing the eggs on the floor and laughing hysterically.  Then before I could get over to him, he was squishing eggs in his hands watching them crack and explode.  The differences between boys and girls!

Happy Easter!