I started my day off as normal, woke up to Pickle in my bed at 5am, I put her in bed with me and listened to her for the next hour talk about my eyelashes, eye brows and that she put her pull-up in the trash, how she dressed herself, how she no likes dresses and then she proceeded to say "mama pants, glasses" that means it's time to get up. She handed me my pants (which always lie next to my bed) and my glasses. For the first time in ages, Big D was still in bed. I walked over to the bathroom and stood on the scale as I do every morning, noon and night, thought to myself just another *% pounds to go, looked in the mirror and thought to myself "I used to be pretty."
I have always struggled with a poor body image. No matter what size I am whether it be a size 4 or 12 I ALWAYS think to myself "if I could loose __ more pounds."
So, back to my poor body image.......I had a real slap in the face today. As I started off my morning as stated above. Thoughts rambling though my head about what to eat for the day, when I'm going to workout and how many more pounds I have to loose. I got this email from one of my very very close friends of 21 years.......
Good Morning Franks.
Sorry to do this on email…
I haven’t been feeling so hot and I have undergone some tests and it turns out I have
Thyroid cancer. Thyroid cancer of the cancers is prob the most treatable. It isn’t very aggressive and it rarely spreads since it is detected early in most cases. I will have surgery in the next 2-3 weeks to remove my thyroid completely which should do the trick… it is likely that I have some cancer in a few lymph nodes too. But the follow up treatment is Iodine radiation which should take care of that. I have a follow up appointment next week – when they have the results of the full gamut of tests and can tell me precisely which type of thyroid cancer I have… evidently there are two common thyroid cancers and handful of more obscure ones. Regardless, the thyroid will be removed. I will have to take medication to supplement the hormones produced by the thyroid but other than that life should be normal. That is all I know for now… I am sure you’d like me to say the word thyroid at least one more time… so here it is…. Thyroid.
I like you and think you are neat. I will keep you updated.
Love, love, love!
LP
Dear Pony,
You have been on my mind for the past few weeks. I actually haven't been able to stop thinking about you and I just thought this morning " I wonder if you are walking to work? then I looked at the clock and thought I would have missed you." But I didn't try.....
If I were you.....I would also be sending emails vs having to deal with everybody's reaction on the phone. I know the last thing you want is for people to feel bad, sad and sorry for you. I also know you have a hard time seeing others sad. But let me just say this.....my heart is aching.
I feel like the past 5 years we have been separated by distance, busy lives and everything else that has come in our way. I know that friendships like ours should be able to handle all of the above and stay strong. Regardless of the lack of seeing each other or talking to each other I still feel the same way about you and us. I feel like the past 5 years I got caught up with the sadness of my dad, getting married, moving, having kids and blah blah blah. I just got caught up in "MY life." I felt like we both missed out on the day to day happenings in each others lives. I often felt like my life wasn't exciting enough and that you were too busy to bother about my the sadness I felt from my Dad. But I never tried to reach out and call you more often, it was my own insecurities and unsureness. You have a very special place in my heart! We have come a long way, we have grown, our lives have changed, we have maybe become different people but I hope you know you are still my best friend.
As far as your diagnosis, I won't get in all the worries, unfairness or concerns. Like you said, Thyroid cancer is the best cancer to have of all the cancers. I'm here for you, I love you and I will keep you in my daily thoughts and prayers!
Maybe you could start a blog to keep all of us in the loop? Or I could start one for you.
I love the shit out of you!
Frankie
Hi Frank,
Thanks for this! I got your sweet voicemail too.
I have been so overwhelmed trying to deal and get ready for this. Work has been insane…really insane so that adds so much to my plate when it comes to taking on this crappy diagnoses. So, sorry for the delayed reply.
I know what you mean about the distance and different lives but I kind of feel like that is what happens when you grow up.
It was sad for me to hear that you actually had made a point to not call to talk about your life because you thought I was too busy or too exciting to understand how you were feeling especially with your dad. I hope that wasn’t something that I had done. After and during your dads illness I remember almost stalking you, I felt that I was one of the few who really did understand what he meant to you. since then, I do feel that I have been the instigator in our friendship – when we talk it is because I reach out in one way or another. Until now, I have never let the thought cross my mind that perhaps our limited phone conversations/visits were for any other reason than ….busy lives. Every time we do see each other it is easy and not forced so I suppose, for me, I think the trick is I try hard to be mindful of the fact that I have absolutely NO CLUE what it is like to be a full time mom, wife etc. and I just don’t get my feelings hurt when friendships like ours ebb and flow as they do. With that, I hope that you can see that I live in a city where I am virtually never alone… there is no commute to/from work in car and it really is hard to keep in touch on the phone….. but I do the best I can. I guess my point, and I took the long way around is…… I feel the same about you and our friendship and hope that you have now eliminated the nonsense thought that I am too busy to care about your life or sadness..
With regards to the road ahead for me. You really wouldn’t believe the range of emotions that you go through. Obviously there is the standard smack in the face of having to face your mortality. It’s a weird feeling that I thought I knew- but really until I was faced with it… I had no idea.
I have lots of fear for the actual process. It’s terrifying to know that I will have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life, horrifying to know that the radiation could have an impact on my fertility when I finally met a boy that I’d want to fertilize me… J it’s also scary when they give you a prognosis that 90% of patients live at least 10-15 years. As if 10-15 years is a good thing…. Oh and did I mention that your thyroid regulates your metabolism….that could be a good thing or a bad thing… On the flip side…. It is a bit overwhelming to see the outpouring of love and support that I have. I have only lived here 5 years and I feel I have built a true FAMILY within my circle of friends. David is an absolute angel and his family is beyond words….they treat me like one of their own in every way.
The nut of the story is… I know I will get through this and prob with a much better perspective on life. It gives me great peace of mind to know that I will be in your thoughts and prayers. Maybe this fall you can come out here and we can celebrate life.
Give those sweet babies a kiss from me and I will keep you posted.
xxLP
The last few days have been hard on me for a thousand of different reasons. My heart is aching for LP, I can't imagine what is going through her head. It seems like a bad dream and I can't even begin to grasp what she is feeling. I'm hopeful, sad, scared, strong and confused for her. It doesn't seem possible. I don't know how she is able to comprehend what is happening. I pray for her and I know she has the strength and courage to make it through!
I think it's time to STOP! STOP with the poor body image, STOP with the negative thoughts about the way I look, and STOP being so hard on myself. I'm healthy, I eat healthy, I exercise, I'm physically fit, and most importantly I'm blessed! Regardless of what size I am, I need to stop and count my blessings. There are a lot of people out there that are faced with enormous challenges, difficult paths ahead of them, and unfortunate diagnosis. We all just need to STOP and count our blessings.
Nobody can start a new beginning, but anyone can start today to make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson
