Pickle said.....

"Mommy, these grapes are DELICIOUS....did you get them in Denver?"

4 month summary....

Wow, not sure where the last 4 months went.  I'll try and catch up as much as possible.

I have been over my head in starting my photography business.  It's going great but it's busier then predicted.  It's one of those things that will have it's peaks and valleys.  I LoVe it!!

I also started selling thirty-one.  It was something I signed up for to personally get stuff.  I had a booming 3 months and now can maintenance it from here.

We took our house off the market, couldn't stand to pay someone to move into my beautiful home.  Big D is doing a lot of traveling but it's kinda nice at times.  It's a love hate relationship with his travel schedule.  Most time I enjoy having yogurt for diner but then I also miss him being around.  At least when he travels I know he won't be coming home vs. waiting and waiting and him getting home much later then expected.

My sister, from Switzerland came to visit in October.  It was her first time coming alone, leaving her teen girls at home.  I thought I could finally get her all to myself then realize I had to share her with Pickle and Peanut.  It was a fast week but always fun.  My Mom also joined us.  Things can get spicy when we are all together.

We took a family vacation to Las Vegas and Phoenix to visit family over Thanksgiving.  It made my family seem so normal.

We have a ton of family coming for Christmas.  My Mom and husband are coming.  And my other sister will be paying us a visit as well.  Now that will be even more spicier!  And then my Dad's side of the family will be coming for Christmas day.  I've always wanted a full house for Christmas now I'll get it.  I can't wait.

Pickle, Pickle, Pickle....she is 3 going on 13!  She amazes me everyday.  She is now a little girl and constantly cracks me up.  She says the funniest things.  She's into coloring, writing her name and playing princess.  You'll always find her with a tutu or Tierra and insists on dressing herself (huge let go moment for me).  She's physical and loves dancing and being active.  Everyday she wants to go play at our gym, which is great motivation for me.  We are considering pre-school a few days per week because she begs and pretends to go to school everyday.  She's my ray of sunshine!

Peanut oh Peanut I can hardly keep up with you.  Peanut is 100% boy that loves to wear Pickle's shoes.  Peanut is still obsessed with balls and has a gifted throw.  His natural baseball arm makes daddy smile, that boy can throw a ball.  He constantly launches off furniture and climbs everything.  He is still a Lover but now on his terms.  He's not talking a lot but makes up for it in his motor skills.  He'll be one of those boys that waits and then spits out full sentences.  Oh and he loves to dance.  That boy can dance!!!!

P&P are obsessed with each other.  They are always looking out for each other but at the same time are always antagonizing each other.  They love to cuddle up together and I'll often find Pickle being a little mother hen to him.  He now calls her "yeah yeah."

That's it in a nutshell.  I'm sure I'm missing a lot that maybe when it comes to mind I'll add.  Hope everyone is doing fabulous and maybe I'll make it my goal to blog once a month to keep this baby active.

Love ya!

Conversation goes like this....

Pickle "mommy I love chocolate"
Me "Pickle, I love you"
Pickle " I love daddy, I love bubby, I love daisy"
Me "what about mommy?"
Pickle " mommy, I love all people."

I'm more then okay...I'm great...

I think last week I was a little emotional.  I could cry at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason.  Let's just say, it was that time of the month and I felt just a tad bit emotional.  My big sis was concerned, worried, and stated that I was being very ambiguous in my posts.  So, if you caught my blog last week, for clarification sake....everything is great.  Kids are good, I'm good excluding the feeling of being puffy.  We are enjoying our last days of summer.  Pool time, daily picnics, a beer fest, a few family photo shoots, house still on the market (one good thing is that it's always clean, a nice feeling), and eating my kids up by the day.

And yes....I'm doing great!   

Pickle and Peanut...

were created for our privacy sake.  In the world of the internet and everyone having access at the tip of their fingers.  I feel like attempting to secure my children's names is critical.  Anyone can view a blog so, I have limited photos and other info.

Pickle...2 months shy of 3...

Can I just say one word.....ORNERY!!!!  I have one leaving the terrible two's and one headed straight for the terrible two's.  Pickle is the strongest willed child I have ever met.  We have a power struggle daily and I'm not about to give in.  There are days I'm at my wits end but at the same time I know one day her independent nature will save her.  I don't know what I would do if I had a clingy, insecure child.  That's why God gave me L&L.  Pickle at 2 3/4 years old talks up a storm, says her ABC's, counts to 10 and bosses her little brother.  She is currently in gymnastics and loves it.  It's a parent/child class and we look forward to it everyday.  She is growing everyday and has all of a sudden outgrown all her clothes.  She's weighing in at 34lbs and is solid muscle.  She is very particular with her clothing and normally only likes stuff stretchy and tight.  She happened to wear this dress because we were away for the weekend and that's all I packed her.  She's into dressing herself and everything has to match.  Even her cup and plate.  We are working on table manners, drinking from cup, pouring her own milk and saying excuse me.  Table manners and manners in general is something that I think should be taught at a young age.  However; my biggest struggle is her little sassy tone.  It makes me crazy and it's a battle I take on everyday.  I first have to ask myself where did she learn it?  We have turned to vinegar on her tongue when she talks nasty.  And my sister seems to think that it will only cause her one day to hate salad dressing.

Anything you want her to do you have to say the opposite.  It always has to be her idea.  She's still a sleeper for the most part but no matter what time she goes to bed, she always wakes up at 630am on the dot.  She has a little internal clock.

These pictures truly capture the true Pickle at her finest.

Peanut....almost 18m....

Little Bubba man can actually talk.  Up until now I thought his only words were BALL.  It was so cute, he got really embarrassed a few days ago.  He went up to my cousin and hugged his legs.  When he pulled back to see it wasn't Daddy he went running towards Daddy and said "my daddy".  Clear as day.  He also said "Evan" clear as day.

But not he's back to the basics...."ball" "ball" "ball!"

He's turned into quite the rambunctious crazy little boy.  He's launching off furniture, pulling Pickle's hair and getting into trouble left and right.  He is such a boy...he laughs hysterically when he farts, loves to play in dirt and is obsessed with balls.  He is such an amazing little love nugget.  And just look at those lashes.

Living in the past...how dare you....

I was just told that I have a tendency to live in the past.  And the funny thing about it is...that is my worst fear.  I get easily annoyed at people who continue to bring up the past.  People who have regrets and constantly bring up the past.  I think to myself....MOVE ON!  I thought it was a generational thing until someone of a different generation said I live in the past.  Okay, so I admit it.  Often times I feel like when someone doesn't learn a lesson I have a tendency to remind them of previous mistakes.  I'm not consciously trying to rub their nose in it but I can see how it could get old.  So, now that my biggest fear was just called upon me....today is a good day to MOVE the f*ck on!

Anyone get the feeling...

That social networking could bite us in the a$$?  That SN (social networking) has too much access.  I have days when I want to delete my profile and then there are days I turn to FB to brighten my day.  I sometimes wonder why we make time in our lives for things like FB, twitter and blogs but we don't make time to strengthen a relationship right at arms reach.  I often think all of these networking things gives you a false sense of connection.  I often find that blogging is a true way to bitch in a passive aggressive manner.  I'm at fault.  I get pissed about something and instead of actually dealing with it face to face I blog about it.  I wonder why we blog, network, twitter, instead of actually having a real conversation.  For example I have a friend actually a few of them that I dearly love.  We haven't actually talked in almost a year.  But we network, text, blog and FB with each other.  We miss out on the "real" stuff in each others lives.  We just get to know about either all the stuff that she wants the world to read through her blog or a quick two sentence text.  The personal touch is missing.  Things that she would tell me in person or even over the phone that she sensors because of the rest of the world reading.  Your blog readers have expectations, some are judging you, and then there are some that truly care what is going on in your life.  I often wonder if some of my FB friends are talking behind my back.  As I approach this blog being around for almost 3 years I wonder if I used my energy for other things what would I accomplish?  I love you all but you know, I'm a fare-weather blogger.

Check it out...

http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/

Just not the same when there is only one cup....

Pickle's going #2...

I go in to check on her and she tells me she needs some "privacy."

Things to ponder....an email I recieved

Only in   America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.   Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER ..... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?  Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

"mommy...what lady has broken car?"

I was on the phone with my mom.  Pickle was listening with big ears.
My Mom was telling me about her car breaking down.  I hung up the phone.

Pickle said "mama, what lady has broken car?"

I told her "big mama's car broke."

A few minutes pass...

"Daddy fix big mama's car!"

I tell her "daddy can't fix it, she lives far away."

"MOMMY, doda (my uncle) fix it."

"okay Pickle"

TWO WEEKS PASS...we are driving through an old mountain town.  A train comes.  We wait at the tracks.  The train leaves and we see that on the other side of the tracks a car of teenage girls are standing next to their car.  Car broken down!  I yell out the window, "you guys okay?"  The girls says "uh, not really."

Big D jumps out of the car to help the girls move their car.

Pickle yells "DADDY NO!  DADDY NO!  YOU FIX BIG MAMA'S CAR FIRST."

Your assignment.....

Here's the assignment.  Write down what you love about yourself.  On Oprah the other day.  Oprah said that women are brought up to not admit great things about themselves.  For some reason it's hard for women to say positive comments about themselves without feeling conceded.  Oprah also said that the more positive you feel about yourself the more you have to give to others.  She said it's good for people to see your confidence.  Confidence fills others up.

When I was pregnant with Pickle I felt like I was on top of the world.  I never felt more beautiful.  Then I don't know what happened.  Becoming a mom has made me feel so frumpy, unstylish and ugly.  I know that sounds so stupid, but thats how I have felt for the last 3 years.  I used to be confident and now, I avoid mirrors.  But I'm working on changing that.

So here goes...the things I love about me:

I'm...

honest

trustworthy

passionate

accepting...100%!

forgiving

understanding

funny

positive about life 

athletic

strong

and

I think my eyes show my old soul

I also like my smile

This is the last picture I remembered liking of myself...September 2007

Finally, a new picture to like of myself...July 2010

Groupon...

Ya know it?  It's great!  Endorsed by Fox, CNN, ABC, NBC.  Each day they email you the daily deal.  It can be anything from a 20 haircut/color to a local Crepe deal.  You buy it, they email you your voucher and you just saved normally at least 75%.  It shows you new places and things.  Check it out!

"Mommy...where is God?"

"Well Pickle, God is everywhere!"

"Mama, under my butt?"  "God under my butt?"

If your gonna....

play a sport, do it with some style!  Yes, those are moon boots.

Nas-ticks...

I'm off to take Pickle to gymnastics.  She's a little brick house!  She loves it!

Moderation?

Huh?  What is moderation?  Moderation didn't get me fat!  Let me rephrase, moderation didn't add extra weight to my beautiful round body (me treating myself with kind words).  I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.  I don't know what the word moderation means.  I envy the girls that just have one bite of chocolate cake and don't feel the impulse to eat the entire cake (my sister).  As stated in the wonderful book Women Food and God.  I basically don't trust myself.  That's kinda sad.  Let me say it again...I DON'T TRUST MYSELF.  What does that mean?  I don't trust myself with a pan of brownies, I don't trust myself with a batch of chocolate chip cookies, I don't trust myself with any form of sweetness in my house.  I'm not strong enough to say NO.  I have the strength to recover from an emergency c-section (2 of them), sliced open like a pig, organs pulled out laid on a little silver cart, husband there to see all of your business...ALL OF YOUR BUSINESS, the pulling sensation (not sure what they were pulling but I had to be strapped down on a tiny little table) pulling like they were pulling intestines, mental strength to not be able to hold the little baby that I had been waiting to hold for 42 weeks, the sound of them counting instruments to make sure they don't leave a pair of pliers in your gut, god only knows I don't need anything else left in my gut, rolled into recovery where it was cold...sterile...lonely, then the recovery of loosing my entire core strength, everything abdominally lost, left with what looks like a fanny pack of skin.  I have the strength to bring two innocent little human beings into this world to raise.  I have the strength to be hospice for my father.  I have the strength to watch my father do drugs for my entire life.  I have the strength to survive a divorce.  I have the strength to survive after my high school boyfriend was killed.  I have the strength to admit when I have made a mistake.  I have the strength to admit that I have a jacked up relationship with food.  BUT I don't have the strength to say NO to the food in front of me.

Where is this coming from?  Well, I have been doing great.  I have lost 17 pounds and I have worked hard for that 17 pounds.  I'm 7 pounds away from being where I was when I got pregnant with Pickle.  And that was after loosing weight to get pregnant.  I would say that I will be happy after I loose 7 more pounds but I'm never happy with my body.    That's another sad statement.

The moral of my story:

I have been spinning out of control (OOC) for the last week.  The concert started my escapade.  When I feel like crap, I eat like crap.  I let loose the day of the concert and it has spun me OOC.  And because I don't know what moderation means I didn't get my bearings back (is that the right term?) the next day.  I let one day...lead to 2 days...now to an entire week.  When I got on the scale this am I was 3...yes I said THREE pounds heavier.  I have been eating my way through the house.  

This is what I'm left with.....

What was it about the concert/girl day that made me loose control?  Was it the fact that I went with 3 skinny girls (that work hard to be skinny) and I get tired of being the one with the weight problem?  Was it that there is something missing in my life and the girl's day reminded me of that?  Did I see my "old self" and miss her?  

As I write...I ask myself what was I trying to "fill" the last week?  I must have felt empty because I was trying to fill my trap like it was the last supper.  I couldn't say no.  Didn't have the strength to say no.  Now this morning the scale is saying "STOP."  It would be different if I said the sun made me extra hungry all week long.  But that isn't the case.  I was OOC!  

As in the book Women, Food and God this week I'm going to dedicate this week to eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full.  Hmmm, that's a concept.  I can't eat when I'm sad, lonely, happy, stressed or worried only when I'm actually feeling pains of hunger.  To you skinny folks your thinking "well yea, isn't that when you eat?"  But to us fat souls, we eat to fill a void.  What is my void?