Moderation?

Huh?  What is moderation?  Moderation didn't get me fat!  Let me rephrase, moderation didn't add extra weight to my beautiful round body (me treating myself with kind words).  I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.  I don't know what the word moderation means.  I envy the girls that just have one bite of chocolate cake and don't feel the impulse to eat the entire cake (my sister).  As stated in the wonderful book Women Food and God.  I basically don't trust myself.  That's kinda sad.  Let me say it again...I DON'T TRUST MYSELF.  What does that mean?  I don't trust myself with a pan of brownies, I don't trust myself with a batch of chocolate chip cookies, I don't trust myself with any form of sweetness in my house.  I'm not strong enough to say NO.  I have the strength to recover from an emergency c-section (2 of them), sliced open like a pig, organs pulled out laid on a little silver cart, husband there to see all of your business...ALL OF YOUR BUSINESS, the pulling sensation (not sure what they were pulling but I had to be strapped down on a tiny little table) pulling like they were pulling intestines, mental strength to not be able to hold the little baby that I had been waiting to hold for 42 weeks, the sound of them counting instruments to make sure they don't leave a pair of pliers in your gut, god only knows I don't need anything else left in my gut, rolled into recovery where it was cold...sterile...lonely, then the recovery of loosing my entire core strength, everything abdominally lost, left with what looks like a fanny pack of skin.  I have the strength to bring two innocent little human beings into this world to raise.  I have the strength to be hospice for my father.  I have the strength to watch my father do drugs for my entire life.  I have the strength to survive a divorce.  I have the strength to survive after my high school boyfriend was killed.  I have the strength to admit when I have made a mistake.  I have the strength to admit that I have a jacked up relationship with food.  BUT I don't have the strength to say NO to the food in front of me.

Where is this coming from?  Well, I have been doing great.  I have lost 17 pounds and I have worked hard for that 17 pounds.  I'm 7 pounds away from being where I was when I got pregnant with Pickle.  And that was after loosing weight to get pregnant.  I would say that I will be happy after I loose 7 more pounds but I'm never happy with my body.    That's another sad statement.

The moral of my story:

I have been spinning out of control (OOC) for the last week.  The concert started my escapade.  When I feel like crap, I eat like crap.  I let loose the day of the concert and it has spun me OOC.  And because I don't know what moderation means I didn't get my bearings back (is that the right term?) the next day.  I let one day...lead to 2 days...now to an entire week.  When I got on the scale this am I was 3...yes I said THREE pounds heavier.  I have been eating my way through the house.  

This is what I'm left with.....

What was it about the concert/girl day that made me loose control?  Was it the fact that I went with 3 skinny girls (that work hard to be skinny) and I get tired of being the one with the weight problem?  Was it that there is something missing in my life and the girl's day reminded me of that?  Did I see my "old self" and miss her?  

As I write...I ask myself what was I trying to "fill" the last week?  I must have felt empty because I was trying to fill my trap like it was the last supper.  I couldn't say no.  Didn't have the strength to say no.  Now this morning the scale is saying "STOP."  It would be different if I said the sun made me extra hungry all week long.  But that isn't the case.  I was OOC!  

As in the book Women, Food and God this week I'm going to dedicate this week to eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full.  Hmmm, that's a concept.  I can't eat when I'm sad, lonely, happy, stressed or worried only when I'm actually feeling pains of hunger.  To you skinny folks your thinking "well yea, isn't that when you eat?"  But to us fat souls, we eat to fill a void.  What is my void?