Ok let's be honest now.....

I may have hit a blogging wall but I have hit many other walls this past month.  I have broken down more times then I can count.  Yelling, screaming, crying and more crying.  And with tears flooding down my face I realize something.

I'm the happiest I have ever been yet I feel a level of emptiness.  It's hard to explain.  And I don't quite understand it yet.

If I look back at the past 5 years that might explain some of it.  My Dad was diagnosed with cancer,  got married 3 weeks later, he died 6 months later, I moved away from home, I got pregnant, had Pickle, got pregnant again, had a lot of financial stress, put our house on the market, had Peanut, more financial stress and now Big D has a new job.  That might not seem like a lot to some but for me, a person who doesn't like change, it's a lot!

As happy as I am that D's has been given a great opportunity.  I'm also sad because we aren't moving back home.  I always thought I would be here for under 5 years.  I have made some really great friends however; I often feel alone here.

I'm sure a lot of people are tired of my "I lost my Dad pity party" but it's been so hard for me.  Since my Dad's diagnosis of lung cancer I have never been the same person.  I know, I know, it happens and it really sucks and life goes on.  But I feel like a part of my heart is missing.  That's the only way I can explain it.  As much as my heart has grown from my two precious angles I still have a missing piece of my heart.

And this is the hardest thing to admit.  I'm in the middle of stay at home hell!  Don't get me wrong, I love love love love love love my kids.  My kids have brought so much happiness to our lives.  They are like a breath of fresh air.  They give me the opportunity to rediscover myself and to parent the way I wish I was parented.  Let me clarify, I do love staying at home with them.  But staying at home has been the most challenging thing in the world.  It's not what I ever imagined.  When Oprah says "stay at home Moms have the hardest job" she is right.  I'm not going to discredit working Mom's but I will say, there were a few times this last month I thought "I just want to go back to work to escape the toddler insanity".  Everyday I go head to head with Pickle.  She has the worst power struggles with me.  She is exactly like me which explains a lot.  When you stay at home, it's the same thing almost everyday within moderation.  I look forward to my 2hr time slot at the gym to just have a break.  Your job never ends, it's 24hrs a day.  And a lot has changed with Big D's new job.  He is gone a lot more and I'm left alone from sun up to sun down.  I feel like my brain is rotting away.  I feel like I can't communicate normally.  NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK!  That's not what I'm saying.  All I'm saying is that it's the biggest transition I have ever made.  I never realized work helped me identify myself.  Work made me feel smart!  Work made me feel productive!  Work made me feel confident!  Work made me feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day!  And work made me feel pretty!

Last week I had a true Mommy meltdown.  Big D had been gone from sun up to sun down for the entire week and I was at my wits end.  Pickle was having tantrum after tantrum and Peanut was all over the place causing havoc.  I had only heard about Mom's freaking out on Oprah.  I never thought it could exist in me.  I freaked out!  I thought to myself, put the kids in a safe place and you gotta regroup fast.  So, I put Pickle in her room and told her to stay there and play until Mommy comes back and I put Peanut in his crib.  I ran to my room and started sobbing, uncontrollably crying!  Then all of a sudden I hear Pickle yell "MAMA, OKAY NOW.  I BE NICE.  NO SAD MAMA."  And then through all the salty tears running down my face I realized I gotta get my shit together and together fast.  I took a giant deep breath, wiped away the tears and went and got my babies and held them as close to me as humanly possible.    

I know I'm in the thick of the hardest times as a stay at home mom (SAHM).  I have a one year old and a two year old going on 16!  I'm still in survival mode.  I'm still trying to figure out the in's and out's of being a SAHM.  I'm still figuring out what works, what doesn't.  I'm realizing everyday P&P change, develop and grow into little people.  As they grow and change, I realize, I must change what I'm doing.  What worked yesterday, doesn't work today.  It might not get easier for a while but I do have the ability to learn something about myself.  I have the control to make it better and make it memorable.  It's a time in my life and theirs that will never be repeated.  And now that I have gotten all that off of my chest.  I take a deep breath, and I will make a conscious effort to just let myself be in the moment.  Laundry, cleaning, errands, organizing will all be there tomorrow.  But tomorrow they will be a day older and one day I will wish I could have this time back.